I was at my parent’s house for 13 days. Other than no high-speed internet, here’s what I saw: bugs like from crazy bug movies, snakes –I lost count at 675, turtles, frogs, newts (or as Violet calls them nukes–she’s like W.) and a bat sitting on a chaise lounge. We thought it was dying or had rabies because it wouldn’t fly away, but just crawled little bits here and there, but the next morning it had flown away (or was eaten by something that’s now really sorry).

Also, Bea our lil’ dog got Lyme’s disease.

I’ve written a lot about my friend Barbara — in Glamour magazine, The New York Times Magazine, Redbook and of course in my book. I was talking to her yesterday about the problems I’m having with the proposal of my next book and she said I should scrap the premise and write the whole thing about her.  I said, “Don’t you think I’ve written enough about you?”
Apparently, not.

Violet’s class is going to the Bronx Zoo on a field trip and I’M MISSING IT because it’s the same day as the Titlepage taping. Violet was so upset that I wasn’t coming that I had to make my mom come down next week to go because she thinks without me there she’ll get lost. It was heartbreaking until I saw how in about an eighth of a second she was totally over me not coming and deliriously happy to have Bubbe instead. I’m sorry I’m not going to share the experience with her but I also wanted to go to the zoo. We’ve been looking at the crap animals at the Central Park Zoo until I want to scream and now there’s a chance to see elephants and zebras and giraffes and I’m missing it. Shoot!

Because I don’t want anyone puttin’ my cellulite on the cover of a tabloid and making people guess whose fat it is.

At the post office. All of the machines were out of order and the line was from here to Canarsie. So I left because my time is precious.  I was just about to order stamps online but guess what? They charge SHIPPING FEES. The post office? My time ain’t that precious.

I have a story in there, people who’ve read this issue of Glamour have said it’s a “must read!” And “Run, don’t walk to you local grocery check-out line.”  The interesting thing about this issue is Jennifer Garner is on the cover and she’s the one who copied me and named her kid Violet when I already HAD A KID NAMED VIOLET. Lucky for her, she married someone named Ben not Paul or she might be getting a visit from Mr. Jacoby and Myers.

Yesterday my mother went to the Democratic Women’s Luncheon. So first, they bring out a little bowl of soup which she didn’t enjoy. Then, they bring a teeny weeny caeser salad with itty bitty pieces of chicken. Clearly it was one chicken caeser salad that they hacked up for 20 women. She said to herself, “This can’t be the lunch...”And then, they brought dessert. So that WAS LUNCH!

She is not going to get over this for a long time, if ever.

Okay, can anyone talk about the weather without mentioning how “scary” it is?  Every conversation goes the same way,

“It’s so warm today!”

“I know, it’s really scary.”

Thank God only three people read this blog or I’d be getting a ton of hate e-mail.

I don’t have much to say because I’m in the process of following up with people who owe me money. I have to act professional and friendly but inside I’m a MAD DEVIL JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF MY EARS.

Sigh.

Okay, back to work. And trying to figure out what to make for dinner.  Last night I made leftover chicken. I told Paul to take small bites and drink lots of water because it was so dry I was afraid he’d choke. No worries with Violet since she takes those little kid bites where you don’t actually see any difference in the food before and after.